Advertising Helpdesk Issue #1 – i don't speak my language

In which I buy a magazine and laugh at its content. In this instance, its cute little adverts.

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I’m laughing at the ads in one of the only magazines I’ve actually bought. It’s that one you get at the front of the Pick n Pay till (Fresh Living). Things I have noticed: this isn’t a “Women’s Interest” magazine, but the ads seem to exist in a world where men are either lurking invisibly in the background, or have finally been eliminated and the earth has been handed over to its rightful rulers. That’s a joke, I’m not making any suggestion to eliminate men. Or AM I (winkyface)? No, just kidding. Or AM… you get it.

Ad 1: I was wrong, there’s a man! And some rather unhappy-looking kids. In fact, the only person looking remotely happy is the woman, while the man looks on in what I can only presume is fear masked (poorly) with a smile. We shall call her the Sunblock Tyrant. Because sunblock is sticky and sticky is evil. Thus, mother is evil. Daughter is over this.

2: Lots of bread. I have no complaints.

3: Two women sitting in a kitchen so devoid of soul, that it might belong to old Faustus himself. In front of them, inexplicably, is an enormous, pink, lopsided, 2-tier cake. And a tiny cupcake on a stand made just for one cupcake. There is so much WTF in this ad, I’m not even sure what they’re selling. Oh, it’s the industrial-sized kettle that appears to be feeling sorry for itself with the sudden cognizance of its own irrelevancy. The women, naturally, are laughing. Presumably because they enjoy thinking about how many people they could be sharing this cake with and are not.

4. More cupcakes.

5. The most effective ad in the book. I think the liquor store might still be open, actually. Gotta get down there, quick. BRB.

6. A picture of the Waterfront, a quote seemingly made by nobody (and with no context), and lots of gratuitous shots of Table Mountain. I think they’re trying to tell me to buy their wine. Or that the Waterfront has become animate & developed a taste for European tablewear & wine from the fucking Northern suburbs (I always prefix the Northern suburbs with an expletive).

7. Yeah, this weirdly smooth humanoid hand may or may not belong to a cyborg. I hope the rest of her is waterproof too.

8. A Christmas tree made out of Tupperwear. Oh, sorry, Sistema (doesn’t quite have the same ring to it). It tells me to lock in the essence of Christmas. It’s giving me the unanticipated desire to squeeze a reindeer until some liquid comes out, and then store it in these tupper- er, Sistemas. But I like the Christmassy feel.

9. I thought this was a menu for what’s coming up in the next pages. But then I realised it was all happening on Page 02, so that couldn’t be right.

10. I realised, after a few minutes, that this “proposal kit” contains a knee-guard. You know, for bending down and looking lovingly into the eyes of the person who might just destroy your life with one word. At first, I thought it was a ball-cup (shows how much I know about sports). But now that I think of it again, it might well be a cup. He or she deserves a kick in the nether-regions for a) forcing you to go onto a mountaintop for a fucking proposal, and b) treating you to fucking OBIKWA wine for the special occasion.

11. More bread. And a tweaked-out caption. I don’t think this magazine is on-board with the Noakes revolution.

12. A hairless woman showing us her perfect pits. The ad also implies that she might not be bathing more than once every 2 days. Which is surprising, because she looks so exceptionally clean, she almost glows. Just goes to show what I know.

13. WHO exactly’s mother is this? Or perhaps she’s talking about her mom? If this person is the mom in question, are they reading the thoughts of a toddler telepathically? And then why the hell is the toddler eating butter?